Don't Dream It's Over.
8:05 p.m. on 2005-04-24
I'm in pain. Yessum.. Hannah and I are no more. Like properly. I think we might talk a little bit if I'm in a good mood, but other than that, overness.
There hasn't been an argument, which is good, because we didn't end the friendship hating each other like we thought we would.
She kind of made her choice though, so that is that.
It does bother me that she's showing no big signs of being upset, or regretting the choice she's made. "I'll Stand By You" came on, and made me think.. Why isn't she standing by me? Friends before boyfriends, isn't that what girls always say? Should that not be true? Some people may think I'm being hypocritical, but I've turned people down because of her, and knowing that she wouldn't cope. She doesn't know about it, but, it wouldn't make a whole lot of difference. Even if she did now choose me over him, I'd tell her not to. But I guess part of me wants her to.. It hurts that she didn't try.
And I think I would have been okay with things, given a little time. I don't think my mind ever came to terms with the relationship being over. We've remained so close, it's just been like we were dating. So, mentally I've been cheated on. That's why we can't talk, because I know things are going on and it's beyond my control. With Stephen it was fine. She'd have to talk to me to get to him, so there was never any fear of her not talking to me as much. And physically, he was the same as me, words on a screen. I guess I was even more, words and a voice. I knew they couldn't touch, or be together, he'd never really be more important than me.
I don't like her wanting someone more than me in that way.. I need to feel needed, and I don't anymore. So, that's usually my cue to move on, and that's what I'm trying to do. It's weird going from talking like 4 hours every single night to about 30 minutes.
It feels wrong. Everything feels wrong. But Hannah's happy, and in the end that's what matters most to me, because I love her.
I've been at home all day, but I haven't been that bored. I've been talking to Naddy for like.. All of it, and I've done some work. Naddy called me last night at 5am. Yes, 5am.. =| We played Countdown and I choked a couple of times.. Great fun in anyones books!
"Excuse me, did you know that melons are actually blind? No, I thought not." - Mike.
Lost ||In The|| Chaos
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